


Rag Doll

by Graymalkyn



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Dating, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship/Love, Memory, Physical Therapy, Revelation, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-13 23:40:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7143119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graymalkyn/pseuds/Graymalkyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the attack on the Normandy carried out by a mysterious vessel, Commander Vanessa Shepard was MIA. Now she has reappeared at the Citadel, but she has little idea who she is. Kaidan is tasked with aiding her to recover her memories, but along the way they both discover that the truth might be more complex than they initially thought, especially when Vanessa herself struggles to become a different person than the one she used to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the MEBB 2016. Art by Elisesil3.

_“Sleep is a little death, dreams the whisperings of the Other,_ _who would drag us all into his eternal night.”_

― George R.R. Martin, **_A Dance with Dragons_ **

 

_“Shepard… Commander Shepard…”_

A voice that had talked to her countless times and had now become familiar. It sounded closer, even clearer. It was confusing. Why had she heard those words before? Not from the woman speaking, but from multiple voices; demanding, tender, impressed, but always the same words. Once, she had heard that name in all the hues and shades, from people who were now faceless.

Her body was slowly descending. Something was holding her back, but every time her skin seemed to be about to be ripped off, that something snapped and hastened her descent. A soft hissing sound made her shiver, though perhaps it was the cold gust of air that hit her body relentlessly. Her chest hurt, and she felt her legs jerking. The tremors took over her. Was it within, or was something else happening outside?

A warm hand held her head and prevented it from hitting the floor. She opened her eyes and found a woman watching her, young and beautiful. Luscious, dark hair and smart eyes that observed her, looking for something that she couldn’t say. She wanted to ask the woman what was happening, but as soon as she opened her mouth, a warm liquid poured out, choking her, tasting like blood. Was she dying? Spasms hit her body in waves, and she felt the pressure of the woman’s arms around her.

“Commander Shepard…” the woman said softly. Her voice sounded as if it were coming from far away, from another time…

She kept slipping in and out of consciousness. Her brain registered shots, lights, alarms. She felt heavy and cold. The whole place felt cold. Now she was tied up and everything was dark, but she could still see the distant lights outside. A platform on a station. A box. The woman had locked her in a coffin, and a dense liquid was rising from the grates beneath her feet. She could have called for help. She could have struggled. But she remained silent, as if her return to the liquid was a blessing.

Another familiar voice –one that had explained things that she couldn’t remember– filled her ears. _“Commander Shepard. File 01,”_ the voice said, devoid of a particular inflection. _“Vanessa Shepard. Born on April 11, 2154, aboard the SSV Geminus. Parents: SSV Geminus Staff Lieutenant Richard Shepard, Aldrin Labs Research Assistant Milena Stradis. Vanessa Shepard. Born on---”_ The voice went on repeating the same information until she couldn’t hear it anymore. But then… _“Commander Shepard. File 02. On January 3 2177, during a recon mission to Akuze, your unit located an abandoned settlement that had been occupied by pioneers. On January 4 2177, at 1927, your company was eradicated by a group of thresher maws. Now playing media file.”_

 _Make it stop. Please. Someone…_ The shrieking seemed to be permeating her every pore. Even if her eyes were closed, the nightmarish screeches filled up her ears, until she lost consciousness.

“Commander… Shepard, open your eyes…” The woman again, calling the name that was definitely hers by now.

She coughed and felt the liquid leaving her body. The woman’s hands were drying her body, wiping off the gel-like water that she had been sleeping in. _Water,_ she thought, but no words came to her lips. She clung to the woman as if her life depended on it, and it probably did.

“Can you stand up? We need to get you dressed.”

Without the support of the liquid, her legs felt weak and unstable. She slipped and fell forward, but the woman broke her fall. She found herself sitting on a bench, trying to breathe in deeply, but all she could muster was a series of pathetic gasps. _Dig in with your toes, find midline, heel to toe, swing your arms_ – the words came back to her and she felt sick.

“Don’t try too hard,” the woman said. “You’ll have time to adapt to the common environment. Let’s see… What should you wear?” She opened a panel and stared at her options. “Something inconspicuous… Ah. Here.” She grabbed a pair of military boots, black pants, a white tank top and a hoodie. “This should do. Besides, the most important thing now is to make you comfortable. Your scars need to be treated; in the meantime, I’ll use antiseptic bandages.”

As the woman bent down to wrap her legs, she reached out and grabbed her by the wrist. “Who…?” Her voice was foreign to her. _Too low._ She coughed. “Who are you?”

The woman smiled. “I’m Operative Lawson. I was in charge of your reconstruction and the subsequent rehabilitation, Commander, but I uncovered a Cerberus plot to abduct you from Alliance space while you were still vulnerable, and I…” Lawson looked down. “I simply couldn’t stand by and watch them manipulate you in such a despicable way. Who knows what crime they would try to perpetrate if they had someone like you working for them?”

 _Cerberus?_ That name rang a bell. Something about experiments… Were they terrorists? She gathered that they were not the kind of people with whom one should be associated. “Where are we?” she asked, feeling that every word uttered was liquid glass, tearing her up from the inside.

“The Citadel. I have an apartment we can use until you get better. It’s a friend’s, but it’s available whenever I need it, and you’ll be safe there.” She dressed her up quickly, as if she were a doll. She helped her up and together they got off the shuttle.

Lawson explained how she would have to act in front of the immigration office ( _“Just state your name, Commander, and the scanning systems will take care of the rest”_ ) and she tried to focus and pay attention, but the woman’s voice kept getting lost amidst the sounds of the terminal and the voices of the other people.

“The system’s not working,” the officer said, almost apologetically. “It’s marking you as ‘deceased’, Commander.”

_Deceased?_

“Commander Shepard was MIA,” Lawson explained. “It is only logical that she would return to the Citadel to obtain her new credentials.”

“Very well.” He let them in. “Please proceed to the Department of Processing, office 023, Zakera Ward. The rapid transportation station is just past these doors.”

_Deceased?_

They boarded the light rail and as they stood side by side, she wanted to ask so many questions that it almost made her head spin. How could she be deceased? Wasn’t she alive and breathing? Her heart started beating faster, her pulse reverberating in her ears like an alien echo. Why was she moving if she was dead? Why couldn’t she remember how she had died?

“It’s the next stop, Commander,” Operative Lawson murmured next to her ear.

She closed her eyes. Her body felt oddly weightless. Her legs were going to give way any minute now, and the nausea that had been building up since she had set foot on that place was not letting her think clearly… The voices became dulled by the deafening pressure in her ears, and the world made no sense at all.

She tried to follow Lawson through the doors, but her violent shivers prevented her from moving. She only got a glimpse of Lawson’s distraught look before the doors closed, taking her away from the only person she had seen since she had been awakened.

Struggling for breath, disoriented… The faces of the other passengers disappeared, and she found herself floating in space, twirling around without a direction other than down, down, down… Her body was burning, and now it was cold, so cold that her lungs collapsed and bled, drowning her. Light and dark, down in a deadly spin went she who had died. And yet…

“Are you alright, Miss?” a man asked.

“She’s hurt,” a woman gasped. “There’s blood on her face!”

“We must get her to the clinic,” another suggested. “The next stop---”

“I am fine,” she replied weakly. A lie, but who would know?

“Miss…”

“I am fine… Separated from… I need to get…”

Someone aided her and she managed to exit the vehicle at the following station. Alone and disoriented, she spotted a bench nearby and stumbled toward it. She felt something warm running down her leg, and when she looked down, she saw that she was bleeding. Fear clutched at her throat and she desperately wanted to scream, but her body felt both stiff and limp. She lost her footing and she closed her eyes, knowing that she would fall flat on her face.

“Miss! Are you alright?”

Warm arms held her, and when she looked up, she found a pair of whiskey-colored eyes watching her in disbelief. A slight gasp escaped his lips.

“Shepard?” he murmured, his husky voice like a caress.

That man… Somehow, he seemed so familiar.

His face was the last thing she saw before everything went black.

**...**


	2. His circumstances

_ “He is the intermediary between us, his audience, the living, and they, the dolls, the undead,  _ _ who cannot live at all and yet who mimic the living in every detail since, though they cannot speak  _ _ or weep, still they project those signals of signification we instantly recognize as language.” _

― Angela Carter,  **_Wayward Girls and Wicked Women_ **

 

Was that really happening? Kaidan Alenko passed his fingers through his short, dark hair, neatly trimmed a few days before. The last time he’d seen her… The visions he thought he had forgotten came back to him in a rush.  _ The incessant blare of the alarms, urging them to abandon the Normandy to her fate. Vanessa, commanding him to evacuate as many as possible, and then… _

_ Not this again.  _ He rubbed his eyes, hoping to drive the haunting visions away one more time. Joker had been the last one to see her alive. Kaidan remembered the pilot’s anguished voice on the pod intercom, pleading him to send someone over to search for their commander. But that had taken place over two years before. His instinct, his logic, every single fiber of his was telling him that it was not possible that Commander Shepard, the Hero of the Citadel and Savior of the Galactic Council, had survived on her own for such a long time.

Yes, she was in bad shape. Right now, she was  _ barely _ surviving. It had been twelve hours since she had entered the operating room and there was no sign of anyone coming out. If anything, more technicians had gone in, but nobody would tell him anything. Doctor Michel had been kind enough to tell him she would call him should anything go wrong, but he had declined her offer, and now he was simply waiting. They allowed him to follow the surgery through the monitors, but there were too many people working on her to see what was going on.

Kaidan stretched his legs and massaged his stiff shoulders. Just as he was wondering when Anderson would get to the hospital, he saw the admiral from afar. David Anderson sprinted across the hall; he seemed unusually nervous, something that Kaidan found strange. Anderson was not one to lose his cool, not even under such circumstances. Then again, those circumstances were far from ordinary, and a second look at the man told Kaidan that the cause of Anderson’s distress was Councilor Udina, sporting his usual “I-smell-shit” face.

Before Kaidan could salute, Anderson shook his hand. Yeah, he had been right: Anderson was nervous. “It’s alright,” the young man reassured his senior. “They’re still working on her. The only thing they told me was that there was some sort of internal hemorrhaging in the brain, and that was causing the seizures she was having when I came across her.”

“How is this possible, Alenko?” Udina barked accusatorily. “I’ve been racking my brains ever since you made that call, trying to understand how come Shepard can be lying there on an operating table. There’ll be a shitstorm – the Council and the Alliance---”

Anderson sighed. “I was on Alchera. I saw the remnants of that ship with my own eyes. Even Joker testified eventually – he said she hadn’t made it… His being wrong seems highly unlikely. You have read the reports, haven’t you, Alenko?” He passed his fingers over his lips. “There’s no way for Shepard to have survived.”

Kaidan smirked at the thought of being confronted by his own thoughts. “And yet, there she is. She’s always liked defying the odds...”

“What do you really think?” Anderson asked, his eyes following the surgical procedure without completely understanding it.

“We’ll have to wait and see what the doctors say. In the meantime…” He touched his omni-tool and forwarded some data to his former captain. “That’s the result of the DNA. It matches Shepard’s medical history. So does her dental record.”

Udina  _ tsk _ ed and heaved a frustrated sigh. “Do we know if someone in her family could---?”

“Councilor…” Kaidan shook his head quietly. “Unless she had a twin sister, and an identical twin for that matter… There’s no way for this to be true. We must believe the impossible, mustn’t we, Anderson?” He looked on ahead. “That she has come back to us. Until she is conscious enough to identify herself, that’s the most logical answer to that question.”

David Anderson nodded and gave Kaidan an odd look. He reached out and patted him on the arm. “You can breathe out now, son.”

“I’m sorry?”

The admiral shook his head. “We’ve talked about this. You didn’t leave her behind. You just followed her orders.”

Kaidan swallowed hard and looked away.  _ They were descending, not knowing if the ship that had attacked them would be coming back to finish them, not being sure of how many of them would survive. And Vanessa… She had disappeared behind a wall of flames, and the only thing he’d been able to do was look. _

“It’s not important now,” he lied, hoping that Anderson wouldn’t push it.

* * *

“I will not be giving my approval for her reinstatement any time soon, Admiral,” Doctor Talise declared, standing before Kaidan and Anderson. The salarian showed them the extension of Vanessa’s lacerations, and the trauma her body had endured when they had stitched her back together. Upon viewing the images, Kaidan had to look away. “Commander Shepard needs to heal. It is true that most of the injuries are external, but we found other anomalies. For instance, her biotics will not work anymore. She still has the weak effects of those exposed to eezo, but her body keeps rejecting the L3 implants. Perhaps she could try the bio-amps, but certainly not at the moment. The best place for her to recover is back on Earth, at the Health Science Center. In any case, I will present my formal statement to the Alliance committee, or the Council, if you prefer,” he said, bowing before Udina.  _ Ugh, an ass-kissing, red-tape loving salarian. Wonderful, _ Kaidan thought.

“Shepard’s still a Spectre. Forward those files to my office,” Udina grunted. Kaidan could feel how annoyed he was, and he couldn’t help but smirk at the thought of Shepard bothering Udina even when she was dead or unconscious. He noticed that Udina was glaring at him.  _ Sure, kill the messenger, _ he thought. But then the unthinkable happened: Donnel Udina smiled.

It was then that Kaidan knew that there was nothing more terrifying that Councilor Udina smiling.

“Alenko, you were her lieutenant, weren’t you?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Excellent. You will be responsible for her, then.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “E-Excuse me?”

“Her guardian. She has no family, and someone has to be in charge of all this medical nuisance.”

“With all due respect,” Anderson intervened, with a tone that actually denoted little to no respect, “Commander Alenko is about to start a mission of---”

“Surely there are others that can do that kind of work.” There it was, the unpleasant smile growing wider. “Meanwhile, Commander Alenko here is the only one that had some sort of contact with Shepard before this mess. She’ll probably need weeks of physical and psychological therapy, and someone will have to be her support. Besides, you’re Canadian, aren’t you? The HSC is in Vancouver. Take it as paid leave.”

“Eh?” Kaidan blinked.

Anderson sighed. “I suppose I can arrange something to get you a position as an instructor while you’re over there. As much as I’d like to go in your place, I’ll have to stay here at the Citadel and act as a middleman between the human population and our esteemed councilor.” He leaned over him and murmured, “I hate to admit it, but Udina may be right. You’re the one who knows her best. Besides, she’s always been…  _ special _ . You’ve always known how to dodge her blows.”

“But sir!”

“Then, that’s settled. You’ll depart as soon as possible.” Anderson shook his hand eagerly. “Good luck, Alenko!”

* * *

The view of the bay was particularly stunning at this time of the day, when the dawn bathed the room in a warm orange light. Kaidan was reminded of the last time he’d visited his parents, and he wondered if being there with Shepard meant that he should bring her along.  _ Not any time soon, I guess, _ he thought, still resenting Anderson’s lack of support.  _ And Mom wouldn’t let me hear the end of it if I brought her with me. _

He approached the bed and watched her sleep quietly. The hair over the left ear had been shaved and there was a fresh-looking scar there, which Kaidan found painful to watch. Still, there was a certain peace in her face that he had never seen before. Not that he had ever slept with her or actually seen her sleeping; she had always made it clear that she was not interested in having that sort of relationship and eventually he’d lost all interest in her.  _ “I don’t have time for that bullshit,” _ she had remarked, a permanent frown adorning her forehead.

He sat down beside her and rubbed his face, trying to stay awake. The doctors had said that she could wake up any minute now, and he wanted to be the first thing she would see. Not that he thought he would be the best thing she could see, but he needed to know if she recognized him, because then that would mean that she was who he wanted her to be.  _ What a silly thing to hope for, _ he thought bitterly, and yet there he was, clinging desperately to that shred of hope.

The movement of her fingers drew his gaze away from her face. Undoubtedly a reflex, but at least her body seemed to be reacting. He remembered her face as she started convulsing in his arms, and he thought he would give anything to forget that sight.  _ Not just that one, _ he thought; there were many images related to her that he wanted to erase. That was not the Commander Shepard under whom he had served. The savior of the Citadel was a figure that still inspired awe in the new recruits.  _ If anyone saw her in this state… _ He held her hand between his; her skin was cold, but somehow that didn’t surprise him.

“Commander Alenko…” A male nurse nodded as he entered the room. “There’s no need for you to stay here. If there is any kind of progress, we can message you. There is no telling when she will wake up.”

“But she  _ will _ wake up, won’t she?” Kaidan surprised himself. Why did he sound so worried? Being the person she was, she would probably admonish or mock him if she heard the concern in his voice. “I mean---”

“Of course she will. The cranial pressure has been relieved and she has been stabilized with special seizure medications that have been modified to suit her implants.”

“Implants?” Kaidan frowned.

“The doctors thought it would be best to add some implants to facilitate certain functions. They should improve her lifestyle, since the convulsions will be less frequent until they eventually disappear.”

“So… What you’re saying is that she will fully recover?”

“Indeed.” The nurse’s eyes darted from Kaidan’s hands back to his face. He beamed. “Commander Shepard is a lucky lady to have someone like you by her side, Commander Alenko.”

“It’s-No, it’s not like that!” Kaidan stammered, letting go of her hand and jumping to his feet. “I was just---”

Both men felt the soft rustling of sheets and turned to the woman lying there. She stirred slowly.  _ Here we are, _ Kaidan thought,  _ everyone’s worrying about her, and she looks as if she was just waking up from a long dream. _ She blinked sluggishly and her blue eyes found his face. She stared at him and he was suddenly struck by the crazy idea that she seemed somewhat different.

“Hey Shepard,” he greeted her softly. “Welcome back…”

She parted her lips and tried to speak but no sound came out. She swallowed hard and gave it another try. “Who are you?” she asked with difficulty.

_ Aw, crap. Seriously? _ Kaidan sighed, disappointed. “It’s me, Kaidan. I used to---”

“Kaidan… Kaidan…” she repeated. Her voice sounded lower and airier than he remembered. She frowned slightly and then her eyes opened a little wider. “Alenko?”

_ Ah, that’s true _ – she’d never called him by his given name. How weird that such a little thing could make him feel relieved. “The one and only,” he replied with a smile.

“Alenko….” She repeated slowly, as if she was savoring the word. “Kaidan Alenko. Staff Lieutenant, Systems Alliance. L2 biotic, highly proficient at electronics.”

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. “Um… Yeah. Is this coming back to you now, or…?”

“I have heard about you, but…” As Vanessa sat up, she winced. Before Kaidan could help her, she said, “It’s fine. I’m fine. I heard about you.”

“You did more than that,” Kaidan said, cocking his head. He saw her tilting her head as well and he hurried to say, “We didn’t--- I didn’t mean to say we had done more than that, but we did! Just not that. Th-That’s not what I meant!” Why did her blue eyes look so inquisitive? They usually looked darker, as if she always knew everything. Kaidan cleared his throat. “I served under you aboard the SSV Normandy.”

“Under me?” Vanessa blinked.

Kaidan chuckled nervously. “Yeah, that’s what I meant… Okay, let me get this straight. You are Lieutenant Commander Shepard. Now I’m Staff Commander Alenko.”

“So I’ll be having you over me now?” Vanessa asked.

“No, that’s… No! Even if I  _ am _ over you in rank –and that would be  _ above _ you, anyway– you’re still the Commanding Officer of the Normandy and I’m your lieutenant, but… the Normandy no longer exists.” He gave her a frustrated look. “You mean you really don’t remember any of this?”

_ Man, this is going to be harder than I thought… _ The exhaustion of having barely slept for the past couple of days caught up with him and he sat down on her bed heavily. He could feel the start of a migraine pulsing at the side of his head, over his right ear. The light coming from outside the window suddenly felt too bright, and he covered his eyes with his hand. A warm feeling invaded him, taking him by surprise, and when he opened his eyes, he saw Vanessa resting her hand on his cheek lightly.

“You don’t feel well,” she murmured.

For a split second he wondered why her hand was so warm now. He turned to her and found her eyes, a clear blue sky gazing at him in a way no one had ever done before. Her cheeks were flushed underneath the healing patches, and her lips were slightly parted, murmuring something that he couldn’t hear.

“I’m afraid Commander Shepard’s running a temperature,” the nurse said, startling Kaidan. He had forgotten about his presence there. As he adjusted her medication, he smiled. “I’ll have to ask you to leave the room, Commander Alenko. Doctor Vierre will be coming in any minute now. Do take my advice and go home. She will still be here tomorrow, hopefully feeling better.”

Vanessa was now sinking into a feverish slumber, so Kaidan agreed to leave. As he was walking out of the room, he took one last look at her. Her light-brown hair, sprawled carelessly on the pillow, seemed to capture the sunshine coming in through the window, and he was sure of one thing: this Shepard was much warmer than the one he remembered.

Which wasn’t a bad thing at all.

**...**


	3. Her circumstances

_ “It is an anxious, sometimes a dangerous thing to be a doll. Dolls cannot choose;  _ _ they can only be chosen; they cannot 'do'; they can only be done by.” _

― Rumer Godden,  **The Dolls' House**

 

_ His handsome face appeared before her. His dark hair looked coarse, but her fingers found that it was soft and inviting. He was smiling and she smiled back. “Vanessa…” he called softly, and as she rose from her seat, she felt the cool air of the empty room over her naked body. Under her feet she could the gooey liquid of the chamber where she had been kept, but Kaidan reached out to her and held her hand, and she knew that she would never have to return to that lonely place again. _

. . .

“G’morning, Shepard,” Kaidan greeted her, holding a stack of datapads under one arm and a large mug on his left hand.

“Good morning,” she replied sleepily, sitting up.

Kaidan left his things on the table and moved the chair closer to her bed. “You had a smile on your face when I first came in. Had a good dream?”

“It was weird,” Vanessa replied, rubbing her eyes. “You were there, and suddenly I was naked and wet---”

Kaidan coughed and spluttered his coffee. “I uh… Well, that’s… Heh… I mean…”

“What’s wrong?” she asked, oblivious to the double entendre.

“Nothing.” Kaidan cleared his throat and let his eyes wander round the room awkwardly. Vanessa thought that he looked somewhat embarrassed, and she recalled the many times that he’d had that look on his face.

He had been coming to visit her every day. He didn’t seem to need to talk to her. He would bring along a book for her and reports for himself, and he sat there by her bed or the window, in silence. A few weeks before he had noticed her watching him curiously and had explained that since he was an instructor now, he always had tests to check and marks to assign. She had nodded, pretending that she understood what he was talking about, but deep down she felt like a failure. Should she know what he was referring to? She still found herself unable to remember most of the things that had happened since her arrival at the Citadel, but the memory of his warm eyes was embedded in her mind. It was a precious thing.

As the days went by, she noticed other things. There were some escorts outside her room. Nobody could enter without being scanned or authorized. She wondered why they took so many precautions. She remembered the voice in her brain.  _ Commander Vanessa Shepard. Commander Vanessa Shepard. _ But what did that mean? There were other voices as well, but when she tried to focus, she found it exhausting and almost intolerable.

But Kaidan’s presence in her hospital room made everything better. Whenever he arrived, Vanessa felt that the day seemed a little brighter and at the same time, shorter. She felt stronger, and her body seemed to react favorably. When he smiled at her with that timid smile of his, her heart skipped a beat. It was so confusing and unusual for her to feel that way.

* * *

“Anderson will be dropping by later this evening,” Kaidan explained as he set up an exercise for her to work on her biotics. “He wants to talk to you before you have your meeting with Udina first, and then the Council.”

“Udina’s voice sounds harsh. It’s not something I’ll be looking forward to,” Vanessa groaned, leaving the arm weights back on the rack and massaging her elbows and shoulders. Her appearance had greatly improved, and other than a scar on her left cheek and another along her right leg, there were no physical signs of trauma. The seizures were under control, and Kaidan had suggested that she start steering her mild biotics in the hope that she could get the L3 implant soon.

“Why do I need one?” she asked. “It’s obvious that I’m not great at this. Wouldn’t it be better to ignore it completely?”

“You used to be one of the most accurate biotics I’ve met,” Kaidan told her, sitting across from her. “You’ll want those skills back, especially since you’ll have to pass your admission tests once again to be reinstated. N7’s rather strict about that kind of stuff.” He waited for her to settle and then he smiled. “Come on, you’ve already passed it once. You survived the training. You’ll sail through it once more, and to boot, you’ll get to go to Rio.”

“Would you come along, then?” she asked, her voice denoting a little hope that was impossible to hide. “The beaches of Rio are fantastic. Have you seen the pics?”

Kaidan seemed to hesitate for a while before he replied, “It’s not really my cup of tea. Reminds me too much of Virmire.”

“Ah, of course,” Vanessa murmured. Her heart sank a little. She wondered if she should tell him that no matter how hard he tried, she was not getting any closer to remembering anything from the time before her “accident”. There was a little voice inside her telling her that perhaps recalling things from that time was not necessary. Virmire was a familiar name. Ashley Williams had died there. But that name had no hold over her, no meaning. It made her feel selfish, but she was there now – walking, breathing, talking to people… The one that had failed on Virmire was another Vanessa.

Her brain was functioning well, her body was feeling fine, and lately a new feeling had been growing within her. For the first time since she could remember, she wanted something. She wanted to leave that room. Every day, she watched the world outside her window and she longed to walk along the river, among the carefree population of Vancouver, and eat and shop and simply spend the day outside.

“You’re a little distracted today,” Kaidan noted. “Are you worried about your meeting with Anderson?”

Vanessa shook her head. “It’s nothing,” she said with a smile. Her eyes, however, seemed to have betrayed her, since Kaidan rested his head on his hand and sighed.

“Do you want to go out that badly?”

“Eh?” She felt her heart skipping a beat. “With you?”

Kaidan’s cheeks were covered in a soft blush and he scratched the back of his head. “Well, what I meant is that I’ll take you out, if that’s what you want. Provided that Doctor Vierre says it’s fine, of course…” His voice seemed to trail off.

“Is something the matter?” she asked, aware that she was probably sporting the stupidest smile on her face. Spending a day out would be worth making a fool of herself, especially if he was going to be there. “I’m not imposing on you, am I? You’re right, you’re always busy. I shouldn’t have asked---”  

Kaidan’s hand rested on her right wrist. “But you didn’t. I made the offer.” When he noticed Vanessa’s eyes on his fingers, he withdrew his hand quickly. “Um, so… How about you start planning a day out?”

Vanessa nodded. “Thank you, Kaidan.” She looked down at the elements that she was supposed to move, and couldn’t help but feel her mind wandering a bit. Perhaps it had been all those stories that she’d read –she had devoured all the books that Kaidan had found for her– but the prospect of a normal, ordinary life was suddenly too appealing. The life she had once led had surely been exciting. She had seen the vids and read the reports, and flashes of certain moments popped up in her mind every now and then.  _ Still… _

“Shepard…” Kaidan’s reproachful tone caught her off guard.

“Don’t call me Shepard,” she asked before she could realize what she was saying.

Kaidan’s whiskey-colored eyes search all over her face for something that she couldn’t understand. “Well then, what should I call you?”

“I have a name, you know,” she said quietly.

“But you said you’d never liked it.” Kaidan’s slender fingers drummed against the edges of the table and she wondered if he was getting impatient, if she was being a bother.

“You’re right,” she lied. “Then I guess Shepard’s f---”

“Nessa,” he muttered.

“Pardon?”

Kaidan rested his chin on his hands. “Would ‘Nessa’ do? I’m sorry, but I’m not the creative type…” he chuckled nervously.

A name that was hers. A name that she didn’t have to remember, because it was brand new. She felt something within her swelling inside her chest, warm and free. He had given her something that would be hers forever, and she smiled from the bottom of her heart. “It’s perfect,” she grinned. Ah, there it was again, that look on his face. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to get away from my duty.” She sat straight and looked ahead. “Teach me, master.”

“That’s… Ah, you see…” Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck and stood up. He walked behind her and leaned on her chair. “No, don’t look back. Keep your eyes straight ahead. Look at the blue cube. Remember when we did those concentration exercises? Well, we’ll be applying that today. Keep your eyes focused on that spot,” he said, pointing to a smiley face painted on one of the sides of the cube. “If you feel your eyes are getting strained, look away, find your center once more, and we’ll try again, yes? Oh, and remember: if your mind starts to wander, just bring it back to the object gently.”

_ Easier said than done,  _ Nessa thought;  _ your voice is filling up my ears and all I want to do… _

_ All I want to do is hear more from you. _

* * *

“Shepard.” Anderson shook her hand and Nessa felt that she could trust that man. Kaidan had told her about how he had stepped down and left her in charge of the Normandy, and she discovered that there was something about that scratching at the back of her mind.

“Anderson. Are you here to evaluate me?”

“Not my duty, Shepard, so let’s just say I’m here to get you ready for your interview with Udina and the Council.” He sat down on the chair and crossed his legs, visibly uncomfortable. “I’ve been reading the medical reports and Alenko’s recommendations, and I’m more than happy to see that physically you’re in optimal conditions. It will be a matter of going back to your old training regime and N7 will just be a formality.”

“Did Kaidan say I wanted to retake the N7 physical examination?”

“He recommended, based on your past performance, that you should---”

“But I don’t want to.” Nessa leaned against the window, feeling the cold glass through her workout outfit. “That’s not me. The first human Spectre? I’ve seen the vids of my supposed ‘deeds’: I accomplished nothing on my own.”

“Nobody’s telling you to do it alone,” Anderson said reassuringly. “You’ll have your people, those you once trusted. The Normandy’s out of the question for obvious reasons, but the rest… We can track them down if necessary.”

Nessa sighed. “Is there a particular reason you need me? You’d already marked me as deceased. Can’t I just stay like that?”

“And what would you do?” Anderson asked. “Pardon me, Shepard, but I know you. This life doesn’t suit a sentinel like you. You shine bright in the battlefield. You’re a paragon among the soldiers. Does it matter if you don’t really remember everything that came before?” The admiral sighed. “Look, child, I’m just here to make sure that you can answer any questions the Council throws your way. Even if they don’t reinstate you as a Spectre, it would be good to put their concerns at ease.” He chuckled. “Hell, it’d be good if you could give me a hand and save my sorry ass from Udina’s foaming-at-the-mouth act.”

Nessa found herself smiling. “Alright, then.” She walked to her chair and sat before her old captain. “Tell me what I need to say.”

* * *

“What do you mean you haven’t seen her?” Kaidan glared at the nurse that had been summoned before him to account for Nessa’s whereabouts. “She can’t have left like that! You’re sure she didn’t say where---?”

“I’m sorry, Commander Alenko, but she said she would be back in a few hours…”

“She hasn’t been released yet!” Kaidan exclaimed. “How could anyone let her walk through the door just like that?” The one day that he had not returned in time… What if she got lost? After all, he had found her while she was disoriented. Anything could happen out there. When had he become such a grump? It certainly wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t trained to become a nanny.

“Is that what you think you are? My nanny?” her voice said from behind.

“Thank goodness you’re---!” As he turned around, he saw her face partly concealed by a hoodie, and her lips looked thinner than usual. Was she angry? “I didn’t mean to say that – I just…” He saw a colored streak coming out of her hoodie. “What… did you do to your hair?”

She pulled back the hood and smiled brightly. “Tadah!” she beamed. The color of her hair was generally lighter now, and there were a few strands at the base that had been colored baby pink. “I thought I needed a change before I met the Council, so I went to the salon… Uh-oh. What’s the matter? You don’t like it?”

“Don’t  _ uh-oh _ me.” Kaidan blinked. “It’s not that… But Nessa, you knew the interview with the Council is next week. I’m not sure that style is suitable---”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s not,” she smirked.

Kaidan arched his eyebrows. “And you still went along with it?”

She shrugged. “This is the first time I have done something I really felt like doing.” She passed her fingers through her hair and looked down. “You still haven’t told me if you like it.” She bit her lower lip. “If you really think I should change it…”

Kaidan shook his head and smiled. “No, it looks good on you.”

“Really?” she looked up in surprise and saw him blush.

“I wouldn’t be saying it if I didn’t think so,” he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

Nessa took a step forward and threw her arms around him. Kaidan had become such a close part of her life that she couldn’t imagine the days that she had spent without him. She smiled when she felt his hands awkwardly patting her back. “Thank you, Kaidan,” she said when she pulled back. “Truly.” Her sky blue eyes gazed at his whiskey-colored ones and she grinned once more. He was warmer than all the other people that had come close to her, a trait common in biotics, but she couldn’t explain why, in spite of his temperature, a soft shiver ran down her body when she saw the serious look in his eyes.

* * *

Anderson was succeeding in keeping a straight face, but Nessa could tell that he was taking pleasure in seeing Councilor Udina’s apoplectic expression now that she was standing before the Council. She had refused to wear the Blue Dress uniform and was wearing the downtime one.

“So…” the asari councilor said slowly as her eyes darted to the others, evidently looking for support. She cleared her throat. “First of all, allow us to say that we are glad to see you alive and well, Commander.”

“Thank you! It’s good to be here!” Nessa beamed, tilting her head in a manner that made Udina cringe.

“Yes…” The asari councilor stood straight and folded her hands. “In any case, we summoned you here because we had heard troubling rumors concerning you.”

“Is this because of my Spectre status thing?” Nessa asked. “Because if this is about what I said, I still maintain that I don’t want---”

“This is not about that, Shepard!” Udina intervened.

“What is the issue with Shepard’s Spectre status?” the salarian councilor inquired. “We have yet to decide---”

“Oh, good!” Nessa interrupted him. “I wanted to say you really shouldn’t bother with it, at least not for the moment. I’m---”

“Udina, what is the meaning of this?” the turian councilor asked his human counterpart.

“Nonsense! It seems that Shepard found a twisted sense of humor after her accident,” Udina smirked. “But as you can see, she’s still hasn’t been told why we wanted to talk to her.”

“I’ll go straight to the point, then,” the turian councilor said. “Shepard, there have been rumors of you working with Cerberus.”

“The terrorist organization?” Nessa blinked. “I’ve already mentioned how I was told I’d been kept in one of their facilities.”

“And how Operative Lawson rescued you when she claimed to have a change of heart, yes.” The asari councilor’s expression was now stern. “You are aware that we have kept you under surveillance, but the only thing that we cannot investigate exhaustively is your mind.”

“However, STG recently developed some chemicals that we could use…” the salarian councilor smirked.

“I would take them,” Nessa said. “Would that be enough for you to believe what I’ve been telling you?”

A deep silence set in among the members of the Council, broken only by Anderson’s plea. “That should be enough, Udina, don’t you agree?”

“If the other members of the Council consider it necessary…” Udina started to say, but he was interrupted by the turian councilor.

“Not for the moment, no.” He stared at Nessa and she returned the look almost defiantly. The turian sneered. “Commander, I think I know where you got the courage to stand up to us, but you can’t depend on the Alliance forever. They may back you up at the moment, but if things get shady, they’ll be the first to bring down the hammer. Is that clear, Admiral Anderson?”

“Crystal,” Anderson muttered.

“Then we’re done with Shepard,” the asari councilor said. “We will respect her wishes to withdraw her request to be reinstated as a Spectre since it obviously didn’t come from her,” she said, glaring at Udina. “Though we will await the assessment of your N7 program to reoffer the position.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” Nessa replied confidently.

“May I suggest you consider Commander Alenko, then?” Udina said to the Council. “He served under Shepard aboard the Normandy and has excellent qualifications. In fact…” He made a pause and looked at Nessa. “We have been thinking of sending him away to investigate those incidents in the Terminus colonies. It would be a great opportunity to test him. Anderson, summon him.”

“Will they really send Kaidan away?” Nessa asked in a low voice as they walked out of the room.

“It wouldn’t be unexpected,” Anderson sighed. “He is ready for it.”

“Yes, but…” Was  _ she _ ready for it, though?

* * *

Anderson had told her to stay in his apartment while they were still at the Citadel, and Nessa had meekly complied. She still felt sad over the idea of being separated from Kaidan, but she understood that it was part of their job. Besides, her distress was only natural. They had become close friends in such a short time, and of course nobody wanted to see their best friend leave like that, did they? That had to be it.

She heard the door opening and walked to the entrance. “Anderson?” she called.

“’mafraid not,” Kaidan said, smiling tiredly.

There it was – the shiver down her spine, the hot and cold sensation that invaded her completely when she saw him again. She swallowed hard. “How did it go? Did they tell you to leave?”

“Yes,” he replied quietly, leaving his jacket on the couch.

“Then when---?”

“In two weeks. I’ll be taking only a token force with me.”

“I meant to ask when you will return.”

Kaidan gave her an odd look. “Are you asking me to come back even before I leave?”

“Yes,” she replied honestly. She saw Kaidan standing straight against the light. It was impossible to say what he was thinking, and she realized that there was still so much she wanted to know about him.

“So…” he said slowly. “I’ve just realized we never really had that day out…”

“I guess we haven’t, no,” she said, distracted by the loud beating of her heart.

“Would you like to do it tomorrow?” he asked, trying to sound casual. When confronted by her silence, he hurried to say, “The date! Not  _ it _ , like ‘do it’! That’s---That’s not what I meant...”

“So… Is it a date, then?” she asked. It took a while, but she saw him nod, and to her, that little gesture meant the world.

**...**


	4. Their circumstances

_“A beloved doll’s voice speaks directly to your soul in a way that cannot be explained in words.”_

― Gayle Wray

 

“But think about it, that krogan could be totally right!” she said, her eyes shining bright. “Just because we haven’t seen any---!”

“Nessa, trust me: there are no fish in the presidium lake,” Kaidan chuckled. “Even after the purification, I doubt most of the people here would think of drinking that water if there were fish in it.”

“I doubt anyone drinks water here,” she said, raising her eyebrows at the number of bars around the ward. “With the amount of alcohol there must be here, if someone were to light a fire, this place would go down pretty quickly. Ooh!” She walked to one of the advertising stands. “Elcor Hamlet!”

“Do you really want to spend 14 hours watching that?” Kaidan asked, dismayed.

“14?! How could it be so much longer that the original?” Nessa sounded surprised. “I read it very slowly and it took me five hours! Perhaps the fighting scenes take longer? What?” She smiled when she saw Kaidan having a fit of laughter.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound like a jerk, but I really can’t imagine elcor engaged in fencing.” He coughed. “Sorry. In any case, what would you like to do?”

“Do you have a favorite place here?” she asked.

“There’s a gorgeous view of the Citadel from the Upper Wards, but it would be better to go when the cycle’s in dusk-time. Ah, since you asked about fish, we can go to a new sushi bar in the Silversun Strip. But I’ve heard it’s a fancy place, so we’ll need to change clothes.”

“But I haven’t got anything decent,” Nessa said.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry: indecent clothes are all the rage here,” Kaidan commented distractedly, as he looked for the cab terminal.

“I’ll keep that in mind, then,” she murmured to herself.

They decided to go to a unisex clothing store, and they took turns to try on and show off the garments they had chosen. Kaidan decided to go for a tight-fit, Mandarin-style blazer that accentuated his broad shoulders and narrow waist, and Nessa couldn’t help but feel she was being teased when he modeled it before her. She went through many racks, but most of the outfits consisted of short dresses, and she was self-conscious when it came to the scar that ran along her leg.

“How about this one?” Kaidan suggested, showing her yet another short dress, only this time it was a gray one. “I think the color would suit you.”

“Nothing short, thank you. I don’t feel my legs are worth showing off,” she said apologetically.

Kaidan tilted his head. “You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. They’re fine legs. Besides…” He stopped talking and looked around, searching for something else.

“Besides…?” she asked, following him.

“Nothing,” he excused himself. “Then how about this?” Long palazzo pants that were semi-transparent, and a backless white blouse. “I won’t make you wear something you’re obviously not comfortable with.”

Nessa watched the clothes curiously. “Black and white? Such basic colors?”

“There’s no need for any other colors. You…” Again, he refrained from saying something and left her wondering what that was.

She tried on the outfit and was surprised to see he’d chosen the right size. She decided to put her hair up in a messy bun, and when she came out of the fitting room, she found him chatting with a young woman at a certain distance. She peeked out and saw the woman touching his arm gently. They were laughing together, and then she gave him a card, which he kept in the inner pocket of his jacket. The woman kissed his cheeks and waved goodbye, and he did the same. A former lover, perhaps? _It doesn’t have to be ‘former’,_ a tiny voice said. She had thought… She could be wrong, either way. Of course he had every right to date whoever he wanted but---

“Nessa?” he called. “Are you ready?”

She looked at herself in the mirror and forced herself to smile. She pinched her cheeks and bit her lips. She took a deep breath and came out of the fitting room.

Kaidan perked up. He wasn’t expecting her to appear so different from her everyday look. If he had to make a guess, it was probably not the clothes, but her hair done up, that gave her an air of seduction of which she seemed unaware. Her graceful neck was exposed, and when she gave a little twirl, he was able to see that the delicate curve went down her back.

“You look beautiful,” he mumbled, and when he saw her smile, he felt the need to hug her. He found himself holding back. He cleared his throat and offered her his arm. “Shall we?”

He asked her to wait till he confirmed the reservation, and as she looked around, she saw some bushes peppered with exquisite white flowers. She smiled and took one, and when Kaidan returned, she offered it to him. She didn’t expect him to turn white.

“Wh-where did you get that from?” he stammered. “That’s a protected species nowadays!”

“Eh? What should I do? I can’t put it back now!” she whimpered.

“Keep it in your bag, then!” He placed his hand on her waist and led her into the restaurant. They were shown to a private booth and when they were left alone, he noticed that she was fidgeting. “What’s the matter?”

“My fingers are too sticky,” she whispered. “I think that flower gave out some substance…”

“Ah yes, I forgot to mention that. Here,” he said, reaching out to hold her hand. He took the hot towel and gently wiped the stuff off her fingers. “What did you do with the flower?” he asked.

“I’ve just wrapped it in a napkin and now it’s in my bag,” she replied merrily.

Kaidan blinked. “So you’re stealing a napkin now? How many rules are you planning to break tonight?” He immediately regretted saying that, and when he looked at her, he was surprised to see her looking down embarrassedly. “It was a joke. A bad one. Sorry.”

She shook her head. “I deserved it,” she said. “I got too carried away.”

It was then that Kaidan understood that this was actually her true first time out, and that things that were logical or natural for him would not be so for her. He sighed, hoping that he could help her enjoy herself for the rest of the evening. He didn’t need to worry: one of her new abilities seemed to be the capacity to bounce back, and a few minutes later she was chattering away normally.

Every question that she made was about him: his parents, his childhood, his hometown; what he liked, what he thought of this or that topic – even if the topic was her time aboard the Normandy, Nessa wanted to know what Kaidan had thought of her. She could talk about the missions dispassionately, treating the geth as toys moved by an evil hand, but it was his impression of the woman she had been that interested her.

“It was hard not to admire the presence of mind you had to have to make certain decisions. It was tough, but there were no personal losses. If anything, all that stint confirmed that Commander Shepard had been the right choice to become the first human Spectre.” Kaidan left his glass on the table and rested his head on his hand. “You were that shaken up when you had to face the chance of being reinstated, huh…”

“Wouldn’t you?” she said softly. “If you discovered there’s a part of you you can’t truly connect to… If everyone tells you how wonderful you are, but you don’t feel it… Wouldn’t your confidence be shaken?” She drank the little wine she had left in her glass and shook her head. “But that’s something that will come back to me in time, I guess. I won’t have you around for the rest of my life.”

“Me?” Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

Nessa drummed her fingers on the table impatiently. “Or Anderson.”

“Ah.”

They remained silent for a while, taking in the slow music and the quiet atmosphere around them. It wasn’t until he felt her little kick under the table that he realized that she was swaying to the rhythm.

“Do you wanna dance?” he asked, surprised.

“If that’s an invitation, then yes,” she replied merrily.

“What if it wasn’t?” he asked with a smile.

She stood up and took him by the hand. “Then I’d still want to dance.”

Kaidan laughed. “Well, let’s see how good you have become, then.”

As they turned and swayed –her arm resting on his, his hand circling her waist– they decided not to talk. Their eyes followed each other closely, just as their bodies moved in unison, presenting a harmony that was hard to ignore. Her feet had never felt lighter, and his warmth was so close to her now that she could feel it through their clothes. She was invaded by the need to feel him, to be one with that kind, handsome man that was leading her gently.

When the music finished, they discovered that they were the only ones on the dance floor, surrounded by people that had stopped to watch them. She clung to his arms and looked up at his face: she liked him just as much as she had the first time she had seen him, and possibly more.

But Kaidan’s eyes didn’t reflect her feeling; in fact, he was giving her a confused look, and suddenly she felt lonely. Even in his arms, she felt alone.

He took her back to Anderson’s apartment and muttered an excuse before going back to his place. He lay on the couch, thinking about her. If he had to be completely honest, she had been the only thing on his mind for the past months. If he didn’t find it so easy to concentrate, he would have lost control long before. At the moment, he was feeling vulnerable, and he thought that it might only take a call to define their situation. But would he make it?

He stood up and decided that he would let the ale make that decision for him.

* * *

The next morning, he honestly couldn’t say what had prompted him to suggest such outlandish arrangement. It wasn’t that he would be around very often, now that he had returned to active duty, so why had he told Anderson that he would be able to take care of her?

Looking back, it had probably been the ale.

“Are you sure, Alenko?” Anderson had questioned him, an odd look in his face. “She is still Alliance, so we could give her her own housing, and if she hasn’t made a full recovery, she could stay at the Barracks. She would be under surveillance as well as medical care all around the clock---”

“Perhaps it would be a better option, but I still feel that…” He hesitated. What good reason could he give for her to stay by his side? It should be something that would not make him sound like the fool he was for feeling that he wanted her around. “… Shepard could do with a familiar setting. Not that she’s ever been in my place before,” he hurried to say. “I meant a home.”

“But you live on your own, don’t you?” Anderson tilted his head. “It wouldn’t be much of a home if she stayed alone most of the time.”

“Well, perhaps she decides that the domestic life doesn’t suit her, and she’ll remember the way she used to be.” Perhaps it had been a terrible idea. Yes. Everyone would know that he had come up with the stupidest idea ever.

But Anderson smiled. “I’m just teasing you, son. I’ve already asked Shepard what she wanted to do, and she said exactly the same you’ve just said.” He frowned slightly. “I’ll admit it caught me off guard, though. I really cannot imagine her leading a housewife’s life.”

“Eh? Housewife?” Kaidan exclaimed in a high-pitched voice. “I didn’t say that. It’s… It’s not like we’re g-gonna get married or something like that!”

Anderson chuckled. “Aaand she said exactly the same thing. You two should definitely start a comedy duo act.”

* * *

“You can leave your things in that closet,” Kaidan said, pointing to a medium-sized cabinet. “It’s not a lot of space, I know, but it’s what I’ve managed to free for the time being.”

“It’s alright,” she reassured him. “You know I really don’t have much, other than the clothes I’m wearing and the ones you bought for me the other day. Perhaps I should get something else, but my account is still frozen; until I get a job, I don’t see how I could afford anything…”

“Are you kidding? You’ve got your pension. Remember you’ve been gone for two years, and the interest rate for Alliance personnel is pretty good.” He smiled. “I’m sure you’ll be able to afford more than a few things when the paperwork’s done. And in any case, I can always give you some creds. I may be an instructor, but now that I’ll be back on duty, my salary will be enough to---” He saw her blush and look away, and he realized that he was probably sounding like a newly-wed husband. “I---I mean… I can afford the rent of this place rather easily, and… I…”

Vanessa smiled. “It’s alright! It’s a nice place…”

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the blood suddenly rushing through his veins. _Idiot. Don’t say those things. What might she think?_ “Ah… Anyway, here’s your room!” He beckoned and opened a door to a small study. “I could give you my bedroom if you prefer. It’s a bit more spacious, but---”

But she shook her head and grinned. “It’s perfect.” She walked to the window and looked out. There were some plants in the little balcony right outside, and the light that bathed the room seemed to her like a warm embrace. She remembered the day he had found her, when she had collapsed, and a shiver ran down her spine.

“Are you cold? I can always turn up the heat,” he offered. She gave him a quizzical look. “I mean…! Th-The thermostat!” Idiot! Once again he suffered from that foot-in-mouth disease, just like every time she gave him that look with her honest blue eyes.

She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around him. He was warm indeed. “I’m fine, Kaidan.”

 _Hold her,_ his inner voice told him. _Just do it. This feels fine. This is how it should be._ But before he could respond, she had pulled back and was already putting her things away.

“Say,” she smiled, “should we go shopping for groceries?”

It was something so strange, and at the same time so natural that it made his head spin. Every time he started saying something, she finished his sentences. It was as if her mind knew exactly where he wanted to go. She paid attention to him. She obviously liked him. So, what was he afraid of? Possibly the answer was that which he didn’t want to consider – something that he had hidden even from her.

Especially from her.  

Nessa had spent her first day on her own looking for recipes. She’d wanted to set everything ready for him to have a full Canadian meal, just like the one his mother used to prepare every time his father had shore leave. “I’m not sure I got the taste right,” she frowned, trying to remove a stain from the apron she was wearing. “I didn’t know that beef could be so hard to cook. I thought it was just tossing it onto a pan and that was it.”

“That’s another way of cooking it, but I add a secret ingredient,” he said, winking and opening a can of beer. He poured it onto the beef to Nessa’s dismay.

“Is… Is that even right?!” she exclaimed, watching the meat sizzle. “It sounds as if it’s still alive!” She poked it from a distance and the layer of fat popped aggressively as if it was trying to scare her.

“Moo…” Kaidan said, tousling her hair. “Don’t be silly. It’s the most wonderful sound in the world. I can clearly hear it saying, _‘Eat me, Kaidan…’_ ”

“Uh-huh,” she smirked, raising an eyebrow.

“Not like that, silly!” he said, rolling his eyes. He smiled when she turned around and giggled. She was happy, living there. That was good. And he…

His omni-tool flashed. “Oh, it’s Anderson. Excuse me. Admiral?” he greeted. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, Alenko. No new developments. I just wanted to say---”

“Hi, Anderson!” Nessa waved at the screen.

“Shepard, how’s everything? Are you comfortable there?”

“Kaidan has me slaving in the kitchen,” Nessa pouted.

“You liar!” Kaidan exclaimed. “You’re the one who wanted to give cooking a try!” He snorted when he saw her sticking her tongue out.

“Well, I see you’re getting along fine,” Anderson grinned. “In any case, I’ll be going to Vancouver in a few days, so if you wanted to send something to your parents…”

“No, we’re fine.” Kaidan walked out of the kitchen and Nessa sighed happily. She couldn’t remember having that kind of life before, and she found it a bit sad. In fact, not missing anyone or what she used to be made her feel strange. What if she had chosen to forget everything? All those missions and all that death… She closed her eyes and heard the screeches mingled with the screaming and the fighting… How could anyone stand that sort of thing? How could anyone live with those memories? She dropped the knife she was holding and covered her eyes. _Stop. Just stop. I don’t want to go there._

“Nessa…” Kaidan’s soft voice calling her name, enveloping her with his warmth. “What’s the matter?”

She breathed in deeply and then chuckled. “I’m fine. I think the smell of the onions got to me.” She felt his hand rubbing her shoulders, and his voice reassuring her one more time. _Talk to me,_ she thought. _Touch me more. Let me feel you._ She turned around to face him. “Kaidan---”

His omni-tool flashed once more, this time with a message. He blinked when he saw the name of the sender. “Ah… Sorry, I’ll take this call in the other room.”

What was that? Something he had chosen to conceal from her? Nessa wondered if that was about the woman he had met at the store. Could it be…? She swallowed hard. He had the right to have a lover, didn’t he? After all, he was single and available. It wasn’t as if there was anything between them…

For the rest of the evening, she put on a brave face and jested with him as much as he wanted, but she felt that her heart had become a little heavier.

A few days later, she caught him staring at something. She didn’t ask what it was, because he obviously didn’t want to talk about it. He simply put it away in a box and then left the room. She felt that she had no right to intrude, to question what was going on in his mind, in his heart. She discovered that her nights were no longer restful, and apprehension seemed to have taken over her. It was not wise to live with him if there was someone else…

And so one afternoon she found herself in his room, standing before the box. Her hands seemed to have their own volition, and they took the recipient without hesitation. _Stop. This isn’t right,_ the voice inside said. _It’s none of your business. He’s been nothing but kind to you. Isn’t that enough?_

Why couldn’t she look away? She didn’t need to know if there was someone else in his life, did she? It dawned on her that she had accepted that even if she was nothing to him, he meant the world to her; that much was true. She sat on his bed, feeling lonely all of a sudden. Her tears took her by surprise; thick drops rolling down her cheeks. Why? She knew she would only hurt herself if she opened that box. It was her chance to leave it like that and walk away. She could pretend that she didn’t know about whoever had a place in Kaidan’s heart...

But her hands slowly removed the lid and she forced herself to look at the contents.

It couldn’t be… Surely there was a mistake…

The picture seemed to have been taken by chance or mistake. The edges were a bit blurry, but the image in the center was clear. It was a picture of her, from the day they had gone out to the sushi bar. She was taking the flower from the bush. It was time-stamped, so… A security camera?

Eh? She had been caught? And he hadn’t told her?

She looked at the other things in the box: the cube with the happy face he used to practice biotics with her. The list of books he had chosen for her, and the many more that he kept adding every day. The wrapper of some Canadian chocolate that she had bought for him. And the flower, carefully pressed between the plies of the napkin that she had taken from the bar. She felt as if her heart was about to explode in a million pieces, as if petals, sparkles, and music could come out of it. She touched the flower lightly and smiled, feeling that perhaps he did feel something for her. Was it wrong for her to wish that he would say something already, if that was the case?

She looked up and saw him, standing at the door. It was useless for her to try to hide her discovery, and as she sat up, she dropped the box, its contents scattered about.

“I’m… I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have…” She knelt down to put them away, feeling too dizzy to say anything, and she noticed that he was kneeling in front of her, his hands landing on the photograph that she had never been meant to see. “I’m really sorry,” she murmured, raising her eyes to meet his.

 _Of course you would do that to me,_ he thought as he cupped her face in his hands. _You look at me with those eyes and I…_

Gently, Kaidan touched her lips with his, increasing the pressure ever so slightly, and as he did so, he saw her close her eyes and kiss him back. He moved his hands down her arms and brought her closer to him, pressing her against his warm body. “I love you, Nessa,” he whispered against her mouth.

She threw her arms around his neck, kissing him with parted lips.

* * *

“What do you mean she’s going with you?” Anderson asked, eyes open wide. “Did you tell her what you’ll be doing on Horizon?”

“No, I didn’t,” Kaidan said, “but… The thing is… We really don’t want to be apart.”

Anderson sighed. “Well… If something happens, she knows how to defend herself. At least, from physical attacks. If that other thing happens…”

“I’ll protect her,” Kaidan said firmly. “I swore to myself I would, long ago.”

“Good luck to you two, then,” Anderson said with a smile. _Those two,_ he thought…

Those two would be fine as long as they were together.

**...**

** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, @elisesil3 (on Tumblr), for the piece! ^^ You captured them perfectly!


	5. Vanessa

_ “The porcelain doll residing in her white-pillared dollhouse was a mirage.” _

― Katlyn Charlesworth,  **_The Patriot's Daughter_ **

 

The colony on Horizon was a quiet place. Kaidan and Nessa did some reconning and while he was busy overseeing the installation of the defense towers, Nessa discovered that she had a natural talent for working with children. There weren’t many of them, but she made sure that none of them were neglected. It was because of her and her contagious enthusiasm that the men at the colony started teasing Kaidan in jest.

“I don’t know, son,” an older man said, “but I think the lady will start asking for a child of her own very soon.”

“And then the honeymoon time will be over,” another one laughed, himself a father of three. “You’ll be going from wine and roses to diapers and baby formula.”

Kaidan laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Eh, it’s still too early to talk about that.”

“We know,” a young one smirked. “That will never happen if you don’t sleep together, anyway…”

“Thomas, don’t push him,” the elder admonished him. “Not all couples need to have sex to show their love for each other.”

“Yeaaah… I-In any case,” Kaidan stammered, “we haven’t been together for a long time, so we’ll probably take things slowly.”

“Take  _ what _ slowly?” Nessa asked, standing behind him.

The men roared with laughter when they saw Kaidan’s terrified face.

That was the last time they would laugh in such a carefree way.

* * *

“Run!” Nessa shouted to the elder children. Each of them was holding a younger child’s hand, and they followed her to the underground shelter. “Climb down and keep quiet. I’ll tell you when it’s safe to come out,” she said, kissing a toddler’s forehead as she handed it to his older brother. “You’re in charge, Marcoh.”

“Won’t you stay here with us?” he asked, his amber eyes on the verge of tears.

“I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise,” she reassured him. “But you have to help me out, yes? Make sure they keep quiet. Dinah, turn on all the lights. Whatever happens, don’t leave them in the dark.” She gave them one last look and secured the bolt door. She dashed to the nearest cabinet and took out the weapons Kaidan had prepared for her. When she put on the armor, her body moved instinctively, as if it had been prepared for this moment.

“What are you doing here?!” Kaidan shouted as he drained the strange beings that were closing in on them. “I told you to stay with the---!” He was stunned by the accuracy of her shots.

“Keep an eye on your thermal clips!” she shouted back. “We won’t make it if---!”

“---we can’t get to the warehouse, I know!” Even if he wanted to protect her, he realized that she was stronger than she seemed. Of course she was. That was what the Alliance expected from her.

“Cover me! There’s someone on the other side of the door!” Nessa noted as she ran to the terminal. “Identify yourselves!” she shouted at the intercom.

_ “---sis Comm---ard!” _ a woman’s voice barked.  _ “---need to activ---GARDIAN; we can’t d---here!” _

She ducked as the last of the beings was shot down. “Roger that!” she said, opening the doors for the newcomers. She turned to Kaidan, who seemed to be paralyzed. “Kaidan!” she called out. “Are you alright? Were you hit?”

“Go to the shelter, with the children,” he muttered, grabbing her by her wrist and leading her away.

“Are you crazy?” She wriggled her hand out of his grasp. “If we can do this, then we have a chance to---!”

“Just go away!” he shouted. “Please, just hide!”

Nessa grabbed her gun as the newcomers approached them. “Activate the towers,” she said, “and I’ll go away.”

Kaidan let out a groan and turned to the console. His fingers ran over the keys faster than ever before, and by the time the others reached them, the GARDIAN was firing away helplessly.  _ Even if the guns managed to hit the target, _ Nessa thought,  _ wouldn’t that mean that the colonists would have little to no chance of survival? _ No scenario she could come up with meant that something positive could happen, and that thought brought tears to her eyes.

She felt Kaidan’s arms surrounding her. Did he know how she felt? Was he feeling the same frustration, the same rage? “I’m sorry,” he whispered in her ear, and she wrapped her arms around him as well.

“You two managed to survive,” a low voice said behind them. “Good. We found some colonists in one of the shelters back there.” The woman removed her helmet. “Shit. I really thought we’d be able to save more.”

Kaidan turned to her wearily. He removed his own helmet. “You’ll never get used to losing people, will you, Shepard?”

Nessa’s eyes opened wide. What had he said…?

“Kaidan!” the woman reached out to shake his hand, which he did reluctantly. “What are you doing here? I thought the Alliance wasn’t---”

“Following up on a lead,” he said curtly. “We’ve got reports about you and Cerberus.”

“They brought me back, Kaidan.” She passed her fingers through her short, light-brown hair. “I was almost dead for like two years. It’s not like I work for them – more like a convenient alliance for the moment…” She looked at Nessa. “You’re the one who let us in, aren’t you? The name’s Shepard,” she said.

With every second that passed, Nessa felt her chest tightening more and more, up to the point in which she could no longer stand it. Her body started trembling, and Kaidan rushed to her side.

“Are you okay?” he murmured.

“What’s happening?” she gasped for air. “Why can’t I breathe…?”

He sighed and removed her helmet. He caressed her cheek and turned to Shepard silently.

“What’s that?” Vanessa Shepard asked. Her eyes went from Nessa’s face to Kaidan’s. “What the fuck is  _ that _ ?”

The dark-haired woman beside her sighed. “Ah, so  _ that’s _ where it was.”

“Kaidan!” Vanessa shouted. “What’s the meaning of this?!”

“Perhaps you should ask your friends in Cerberus,” Kaidan replied calmly. He saw Shepard turn to the woman, but she remained silent, watching Nessa carefully.

“Identical looks,” a salarian said behind them, “other than visible cosmetic changes. Shock suggests not a twin, but likely… a clone?”

“Lawson?” the turian standing at the back purred curiously. “Seems like you’ve got some explaining to do?”

_ Lawson. _ Nessa’s memories came to her. “Lawson… Operative Lawson?” she asked. “No, that’s… Lawson doesn’t look…”

“Let me guess,” the dark-haired woman said. “The Operative Lawson you met was a woman with skin and eyes darker than mine? And she fed you some cock-and-bull story about how you needed to be rescued from this evil organization?” When she saw the shock in Nessa’s eyes, she smirked. “Ah, good old Rasa… I always knew she’d betray us sooner or later.”

“Miranda…” Shepard said menacingly. “What is this  _ thing _ ?”

“As Doctor Solus said, that is a clone. We created it with the sole purpose of having spare organs, in case your body needed an emergency transplant.”

“Stop…” Kaidan told her, but Miranda ignored him.

“It was not meant to be awakened, but one of our operatives went rogue, and well…”

“When we get back to the Normandy, I’ll have a word with the Illusive Man,” Shepard muttered. Nessa was aware that she seemed to avoid looking at her. And then she said the words. “Kaidan, you have to get rid of that mistake.”

“You’re insane if you think I’m going to kill her,” Kaidan barked, standing in front of Nessa.

Vanessa gave him a look of deep hatred. “That thing should not exist. It is nothing but a meat doll. Or what, are you planning to use her to replace me? Is that what the Alliance wants?”

Nessa took a step forward. “No! No, it’s not---!”

“Don’t talk to me!” Shepard howled. “You don’t get to talk to me! What do you know about me?! About anything! You’re nothing but a fake! You shouldn’t exist!”

“I’m…” Nessa’s eyes filled up with tears. “I didn’t mean to…” Her voice trailed off when she saw Shepard take out her gun and aim at her.

“That’s enough!” Kaidan shouted. “Go away, Shepard, or I  _ swear _ \---!”

“What? Will you kill me? Go on!” Vanessa dared him. “Do you think killing me will make that doll a real woman? Go on, shoot!”

Kaidan raised his own weapon and aimed at Vanessa. His hand moved over the trigger, aware that Miranda Lawson was holding her gun in her hand as well. Suddenly he felt a timid hand touching his shoulder, and Nessa’s forehead resting on his back.

“Please…” she said tearfully. “Don’t.”

Kaidan sighed and looked at the turian. “If you’re the one I used to know, Garrus, just take her away.”

“Come on, Shepard,” the turian murmured. “I really don’t think they’re planning to replace you. We would have heard something about it.”

“How can you say that?” Vanessa muttered. Kaidan saw Garrus leaning over and saying something in her ear, and she nodded and let him lead her away.

He didn’t care anymore. He just wanted them gone. He turned around and wrapped his arms around Nessa, who was sobbing quietly. “Shhh.” He kissed her hair and nuzzled her. “I’m sorry you had to find out about it this way. I meant to say something, but…” He kissed her forehead and rocked her softly. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“How long have you known?” she asked numbly.

“I’m not sure,” he replied honestly. “There were so many differences between you and her that it was almost too easy to believe that you had changed after your disappearance. But part of me has always known.” He placed his fingers on her chin and looked into her eyes. “I knew you were a different woman when I fell in love with you. The only thing that made me hold back was how much you looked like her, and then you changed. You were yourself.”

“Organs… She said I was meant to provide her with spare parts…” Nessa shuddered. “But I didn’t want to live like her… I never wanted to be her.” She rested her forehead on his chest. “I don’t want to be a doll.”

“You’re not,” Kaidan said, holding her tight. “You are a person just like me. You are the woman that won me over, the one I’d never dreamed of finding. I’m sorry,” he apologized again. “I don’t know what I can do to make you feel better…”

Nessa sighed. “Give me some time. I need to think about this.”

**...**


	6. Him and Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly NSFW

_ “Where was that fragile, golden-fair Dresden doll I used to be? _

_ Gone.” _

― V.C. Andrews,  **_Flowers in the Attic_ **

 

She had remained uncharacteristically silent all through the way back home. Other than the occasional comment, Kaidan hadn’t been able to get much from her. It was logical. He had hidden his suspicions from her, and now he realized that it hadn’t been the right thing to do. Anderson had warned him about it. But how can you tell someone that they are not who they think they are?

It made no difference to him. Or rather, it did. It made all the difference. He loved her the way she was. She had a unique spirit, her newfound strength, a great sense of humor, and her own particular look. There was nothing in her that resembled Vanessa Shepard. But what could he say to make her understand that?

“Kaidan…” her voice called him as they docked at the Citadel.

“Yes?”

She turned to him but kept her eyes down. “Can we go to the ramen restaurant?”

Kaidan let out a sigh of relief. “Of course,” he said, tousling her wavy hair. She looked up and smiled.

* * *

“Aaah, it’s so good to be home at last!” she said, stretching out. She caught him giving her an odd look and hurried to say, “Of course I’m sorry for the colonists. But it’s so complicated… I don’t know if I should be happy those Collectors only managed to take a small number of them, or if I should feel troubled because they  _ did _ manage to do that. How should anyone feel about that?”

“It’s hard to say,” Kaidan admitted. “For the moment, we can be glad because we got plenty of data on the Collectors. Thanks to you, all the children and many adults were safe, and it didn’t end up in a massive vanishing act, like other colonies in the past.” He kissed her on the cheek and was relieved to feel her arms around him. His arms circled her waist and hugged her tight.

“I need to take a shower,” she said as she withdrew from his arms.

“Alright.” He kissed her lips softly. “Let me know when you’re done.” Kaidan watched her go and he slumped on the couch. The next morning would be the beginning of a hell of a week. So many things to declare, so many explanations to give. And the worst part of it all would be when Udina found out about Shepard. Kaidan groaned mentally. He closed his eyes and waited for Nessa to finish with her shower, and at some point he dozed off.

She found him snoozing, his lips parted. He had known all along, and he hadn’t told her – not because he didn’t trust her, but because he cared too much. And in the end, did that mean anything? She was not the one they wanted her to be, but she still was someone, wasn’t she?

She reached out and caressed his cheek softly. “Hey,” she murmured. “Bath’s ready.”

Kaidan’s whiskey-colored eyes gazed at her face and then looked down. Her bathrobe was revealing parts of her skin that he hadn’t seen before, and he couldn’t help but slip his fingers through her damp, wavy hair and pull her towards him. His mouth covered hers and he wasn’t surprised when he felt her lips returning the kiss. Her hands slid over his shoulders and down his back as she sat astride him. His fingers parted her robe and wriggled their way around her waist, feeling her soft skin. He was aware of her hips rubbing against his, and his teeth slowly raked down her neck as he nibbled her.

The timid moan that escaped her throat only fueled his desire, and cupped her face in his hands. “I love you,” he murmured again and again, between kisses. His tongue licked her lips slowly, and she received his deep, sensuous kiss with a desire that matched his. Her hands slipped under his shirt and she was glad to see that he had gotten the hint. He broke the kiss to take it off, and she took a few seconds to admire his body.

He didn’t give her any more time. He pulled down her robe and ran his hands over her naked body, as she moved her hips against his with increased intensity and enjoyed the feeling of arousing him more and more.

“I really can’t hold back anymore,” he grunted, pulling her hair back and nibbling on her neck.

“Please don’t,” she whimpered, digging her fingernails on his muscular back.

He pushed her down on the couch and removed the rest of his clothes, allowing her to take a good look at his body, something that she did shamelessly. And, as he placed himself between her legs, she thought that she couldn’t be any happier. Nothing else mattered but that moment with him.

Flesh against flesh, their bodies came together and apart, their mouths drinking in from each other. Her back arched when he sank his teeth into her shoulder, moaning with pleasure, as they melt and melded into one another.

When the room was silent again, he kissed her forehead and stroked her back. 

“It tickles,” she giggled.

“That’s the kind of thing I want to know about you,” Kaidan murmured with a smile.

“It’s something I’ve just discovered, so you couldn’t have known that before,” Nessa replied, drawing invisible waves on his right arm with her fingernails.

He held her by the chin and she looked up. “Then we will discover all those things together.” He kissed her swollen lips softly. “We will have to do something about your name, though.”

“I kinda like Nessa,” she murmured, rubbing her cheek on his chest.

“Me too.” Kaidan grinned. “But that’s not what I meant.”

**...**


	7. Epilogue

_ “For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself. From within, I couldn't decide what to do. Unable to see, I heard my name being called. Then I walked outside.” _

― Rumi,  **_Open Secret: Versions of Rumi_ **

 

**** James Vega was, as usual, torn between scouting ahead of his team and creating a distraction so that the others could get to a safe vantage point. “So? You ever seen these things before?” he asked the asari crouching next to him.

She shook her head. “Never. But that ship… It appears to be based on the same technology as the object that we found.”

“I wonder where the colonists are,” one of them said, checking the field through his scope.

“They haven’t been taken yet,” a voice said from behind, “but they will if we don’t hurry.”

Vega pointed his rifle at the newcomer. “Alliance? Who are you?”

“I’m Commander Alenko. We were running a patrol in the quadrant when we noticed there was an acquaintance in the neighborhood.” Kaidan took off her helmet and shook James’s hand. “Those are Collectors, and if we don’t hurry, they’ll take all the human colonists away.”

“So it’s true,” James grunted. “The whole abduction thing is---” He raised his rifle again as someone else came up the ladder. “That one with you?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan smiled.

The person behind him took off her helmet and smiled. James gaped and frowned. “Is that…? No, sorry. I thought you were someone else.”

“I get that all the time,” she smiled, shaking his hand. “I’m Corporal Nessa Alenko. In spite of the circumstances, let’s all do our best, shall we?”

 

******************************************************


End file.
